Metal Yarmulke
Sunday, July 25, 2004

Leila S. Sales of Newton, Mass. MUST DIE.

Actual letter from last Thursday's Boston Globe. It convinces me more than ever that a pre-frontal lobotomy greatly increases one's chances of them printing one's letter.

OK, Boston, let's stop being whiny ingrates and start getting excited about this Democratic national convention, shall we?

Yeah, Leila. I'm sure all those "whiny ingrates" who own restaurants and shops in Boston and are losing tons of business due to the DNC just need to be slapped upside the head with an inflatable donkey. What nerve, putting their own livelihood ahead of the Democratic Party!

Especially Joseph Pasquale.

I mean, it's only fair that the City of Boston is harassing him to take down his banner, as opposed to all the other shopkeepers they're not enforcing the "security" rule with! After all, who cares about terrorists? We need to combat this plague of...mean-spiritedness in our nation!

And as for the rest of us...well, such babies we are. I mean, why don't we all just jump on Rte. 128 or the Green Line, like you do? After all, we might actually live much closer to I-93 and U.S. Route 1, both of which are being shut down, and to the Orange Line, which will experience major delays due to North Station being closed for the week ... but what difference does our convenience, or the fact that we pay taxes to maintain these roads, make? The Democrats are in town!!!! All bow down!!!

I mean, we all know this is going to be fantastic for our economy.

Right, because politicians always make a point of paying with their own money for everything they get.

The Globe itself ran an article earlier this year in which Los Angeles businesspeople told the reporter that they'd lost money during the 2000 DNC convention at the local Staples Center:
[C]ity officials...projected millions in revenue from rented hotel rooms, bar tabs, restaurant checks and tips, and hours of positive media coverage that would spotlight a once-blighted but revitalized downtown LA and draw tourists...Delegates did fill thousands of hotel rooms. But they left bar stools and restaurant tables mostly empty, instead wining and dining at dozens of corporate-sponsored shindigs where they didn't have to shell out their own cash. And the positive stories about Los Angeles's convention success never were written, with coverage instead centering on clashes between hundreds of protesters and police.

Then, of course, there's all the money the DNC is going to cost us. But who cares? When "democracy" is at stake, we'd all better empty our pockets and subsidize it!

And I hope we are all aware of Celebrate Boston's efforts to make the convention fun for all of us.

Except for individuals like Leila who probably have Bubba Clinton's My Lie Life on their coffee tables (autographed, perhaps), the most fun anyone can have during the DNC would necessitate being as far away from it as logistically possible.

Unless, maybe, you're well-heeled enough to afford the services of one of the many <*cough*> professionals descending upon Boston this weekend. (How many of them will it take just to satisfy our ex-president? Why ... it'll take a village!)

Furthermore, we should recognize the work of organizations such as the Coalition for Environmentally Responsible Conventions to make this not just any event but a noteworthy socially responsible event.

Yeah, I was really worried about whether the DNC was going to be "socially responsible." Thanks for taking a load off my mind. (And "load" is a great choice of word here, I think.)

Incidentally, Leila, do you think it's "socially responsible" to cause thousands of automobiles to idle in traffic due to road closures, causing massive emissions of carbon monoxide? Especially when taking the MBTA this week won't get people there any faster, because of the aforementioned station closure, and because the T is going to be searching bags randomly?

Oh, and when (not if) the same types of searches happen at the RNC in Manhattan next month, will you and your Dem friends decry that as "socially irresponsible"? Enquiring minds want to know.

We ought to join with these organizations in thinking of the convention as an opportunity for innovation as opposed to a cumbersome duty that we've been saddled with.

An opportunity for what, exactly? Other than for the practice of better security measures, I can't think of a single one. Except the opportunity to convince the voters of Boston to throw Tom Menino out of the mayor's office on his lumpy, semi-literate ass.

But even if you don't buy any of that,

Which I don't.

and you still think this convention is more hassle than it's worth,

Which it is.

then can I please get some Boston pride here?

The Yankees suck. Screw you. Get the fuck out of the left-hand lane with your goddamned Volvo doing 55 mph. How's that for authentic Boston pride?

And how lucky the Democratic candidate is, like us, a Bostonian!

Lucky, my conniving bagel-scarfing neocon ass. Now all us normal folks will have to endure even more ribbing from our friends and relatives elsewhere — especially those who have escaped the People's Republik for good — that Massachusetts is the East Coast repository of peace creeps, gun-grabbers, those who like to grab their ankles and chant "Please tax us even MORE!", and other assorted nanny-state control freaks.

We could have ended up holding this convention for a politician from North Carolina or Vermont.

Not that I like either John Edwards or Howard Dean, but exactly why are those bad things in your opinion, Leila? Don't you BoBos loooooooove Vermont, home of Mumia apologists Ben & Jerry? And is North Carolina just too déclassé for your oh-so-refined Nawtheastun tastes?

I feel enormously privileged that Boston has been entrusted with this convention.

Consider updating your Clozaril prescription? Anyone who entrusts the City of Boston to run so much as a hamburger stand is a damn fool.

So come on, let's get excited.

Leila, please get cancer and die screaming. I promise you, that would make me very excited. I might even whip out my vibrator to celebrate your demise. 
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