Metal Yarmulke
Friday, September 05, 2003

The scary thing about this list is...

...not only can I imagine many things on it actually happening, but I'm sure that several of them actually have (other than the extremely obvious few, that is).

This, by the way, is a "Club Top Five" list, only available if you're a paid subscriber to Top 5. Which I highly suggest you become; it's a measly $12 a year, and you get access to a lot of bonus funnies that the Great Unwashedpaid don't.

I've omitted the joke writers' names for the sake of brevity.

September 4, 2003

The Top 12 Signs Your History Teacher Isn't Very Qualified

12. The only "General Lee" in his lectures jumps over creek beds to escape Boss Hogg and Rosco.

11. "Crimean, Korean, whatever — we won, okay?"

10. Lessons always reflect yesterday's episode of "Sherman and Peabody."

9. "Yeah, right — there were two President Roosevelts. Suuuuuure."

8. Devotes an entire week to the eerie similarities between JFK and Abraham Lincoln.

7. If Carmen Sandiego wasn't involved, he's never heard of it.

6. Invites his "Sigma buddies," Toad and Moochie, to help him re-enact the Whiskey Rebellion.

5. Refuses to teach about new-fangled things like the Internet...or Alaska and Hawaii.

4. Thinks the Bataan Death March is a Sousa piece played at halftime.

3. You're the only sixth-grade class studying the Battle of Hasty Pudding.

2. Claims George W. Bush won the 2000 presidential election.

and's Number 1 Sign Your History Teacher Isn't Very Qualified...

1. He's teaching in a public school. Do the math.

[The Top 5 List]

[Copyright 2003 by Chris White]


Signs Your History Teacher Isn't Very Qualified

RUNNERS UP list — Four Snores


"So they called it World War I because they knew that Germany would need another pimp-slapping."

"Sure, Jimmy, there was a 'Soviet Union' — and I'm the freakin' Easter Bunny."

Every October he starts a school scrap iron drive to assure our victory over the Nazis.

He keeps saying, "It's Burma, dammit, and it'll always be Burma!"

He refers to the children of pre-1917 Russian rulers as "czardines."

His lecture on the American Revolution seems inordinately focused on Samuel Adams and his doctrine that freedom is "always a good decision."

On "Dress as Your Favorite Revolutionary Day," he comes as the Frito Bandito.

Says Schwarzenegger won't win because Californians would never elect an actor to anything.

Sits swigging whiskey with his feet on his desk and answering every question with a weary, "It was a long time ago. That good enough for you, punk?"

When he corrects your term paper, most of his comments are "That's just what the government wants you to think!!!"


Signs Your History Teacher Isn't Very Qualified

HONORABLE MENTION list — Don't Know Much


"When Columbus came across on the el Nino...."

Backs up all his facts by referring to "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure."

Believes the fall of the Roman empire could have been prevented by strategically-placed handrails.

Can never quite remember when the War of 1812 started.

Claims the signal Paul Revere waited for was "One if by land, two if by air."

Considers history one of the "three R's."

Four times this week a classmate has commented, "That's not what you told us yesterday, Mr. Fleischer!"

He seems to think that every geopolitical conflict, from the Peloponnesian Wars all the way through Vietnam, can be explained through the medium of dodge-ball.

His brief musical lecture on the Teapot Dome scandal concludes with the phrase, "Tip me over and pour me out."

His final exam questions all have to do with what happened on last week's episode of "Big Brother."

Insists that Al Gore is president.

Insists that the lost city from the cradle of civilization is Petticoat Junction.

She describes Stonewall Jackson as "the wavy-haired guy on the twenty."

When it's time to cover Armstrong's moon landing, your teacher shows up in full costume and makeup and teaches the entire hour in Klingon.

You're pretty sure the first names of Lewis and Clark weren't Jerry and Marcia. 
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