Metal Yarmulke
Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Gubernatorial follies

(From alt.tasteless discussion comparing various candidates for the California governorship:)

Kevin Richter (Information technology manager): "I breathe."
– Bobbi Hatch
That's actually more than most IT managers can claim.
– Ken Strayhorn


[Suggested] bumper sticker: The People FOR Larry Flynt.
–John Lienhart


Darrelll Issa [dropped out of the race because] he's probably worried that the ghost of Irv Rubin is still after him.
– Bobbi Hatch


Insta-san posted this link some time ago: Gollum for Governor?


Mary Carey's agenda. (Nowhere near safe for work!!)


If a certain comedian running for gov'ner wants to position himself as a guy who reigns in the pork in California, he might not want to brag so much about this story:

USF student No. 14059 once let a pack of pigs run wild across campus to protest the university's food service. It was during the mid-1960s amid sit-ins and love-ins and before students were identified by social security numbers. ¶ The student parked a trailer loaded with a dozen pigs on campus and let them loose near the Phyllis P. Marshall Center and called it a "pig-in."

"If the world is going to be so silly to consider celebrities as viable candidates then why shouldn't I run? Of course they're not going to make me governor, but it allows me to promote my ideas. I'm 100 percent serious about my platform," Gallagher said. ¶ Those ideas include singing the national anthem in Spanish, writing obituaries for dead businesses and not talking loudly on cell phones.

Well, hell, sillier — and, worse, more corrosively divisive and potentially disastrous — policy suggestions come out of Berserkeley and SFSU every day. My only quibble is that Gallagher should add this promise to his spiel: that people talking loudly on cell phones in public places or, worse, talking on them at all while driving at 50 m.p.h. in the passing lane, will be subject to the punishment suggested by this gentleman. (Warning: Offensive language.)


And the race continues to, uh, heat up...

And a few more only-in-California candidates jumped in, including Gail Zappa, the widow of late rock legend Frank Zappa, and actor Todd Richard Lewis, who plays the "Bum Hunter," stalking and tying up unsuspecting homeless people in a series of notoriously raunchy videos.

I'd vote for Gail. Her late hubby got the French about right nearly 20 years ago. (Warning: some naughty words in the lyrics.)


Meanwhile, the world tut-tuts over the example California is setting: that is, democracy in action.

I couldn't find it on the Grauniad's site, but the Sun-Times article says they ran the headline 'A circus fit for the fruit and nut state' over a story on the recall election. I think the idea that power ultimately rests with the voters, not with appointed officials, scares the shite out of the paper that gave us arch-idiotarians like Polly Toynbee, Matthew Engel, and, last but not least, Robert Fisk.

Same with the European press.

For some, especially in Europe, the election symbolizes all that is wrong with America. ¶ The Italian weekly L'Espresso was one of several publications to call the campaign a ''circus'' because of the long list of candidates, including former ''Diff'rent Strokes'' star Gary Coleman, pornographer Larry Flynt and a billboard model named Angelyne.

Because Italy would never tolerate anyone involved in pr0n running for political office. Nor would other serious European countries, like, say, Hungary. (That last link is not safe for work, and the previous one isn't exactly wholesome, either.)

''It is hard to imagine a greater responsibility than the election of the [governor of the] most populous, rich and electorally significant state in the United States, but it is impossible to say that the current vote is serious,'' sniffed Russia's Kommersant newspaper.

Because Russia has so much to teach us when it comes to running an honest representative democracy.

But, let's face it, the carping of foreign elitists is but a dim hum in our ears, much like traffic from a mile or two away. The good news is that at least on the subject of the California election, Hollywood has chosen to practice the fine art of STFU.

"Let's look at the facts. Arnold is a stock Republican married to a lifelong Democrat. There's built in ambivalence in his own household. How could there not be in the community where he lives and works?'' said Leonard Maltin, film critic and host of the syndicated television show "Hot Ticket.''

Personally, I think Hollywood tolerates Ah-nold's politics because they're still hoping he and Maria will breed some bullet-proof Kennedys.


Finally, if you want to join the fun, here's your very own campaign T-shirt. (Warning: nearly all of the rest of this site is offensive.)

UPDATE: Don't ask why the line lengths are FUBAR'ed especially in the Gail Zappa blockquote. I tried to fix it, to no avail.
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