Metal Yarmulke
Sunday, August 31, 2003

Dealing with Telemarketers, Lesson #46892

Scopata Fuori writes in alt.tasteless:

Settled in for a healthy defecation session, when the phone rang.

I had the cordless within reach, but the caller ID part was on the base unit and was hobbled by my sense of modesty as well as my desire not to introduce a swath of shit into my freshly laundered khakis. So blindly, I answered.

Oh joy, oh what a lucky day for me, I have been selected to receive, absolutely free, $300 worth of free vitamins, assorted herbal concoctions and a complimentary bottle of some kind of lotion, all natural of course, for answering a short survey.

As close to verbatim as I can recall, from ten minutes ago...

Telemarketer: "Do you feel tired, or feel you have less energy than you did five years ago?"

Me: "No."

['re supposed to say "yes" to that question]

Telemarketer: "Do you feel you are receiving optimum nutrition from your daily diet?"

Me: "Yes."

Telemarketer: "Have you ever been on a diet?"

Me: "No." [The lies have just begun.]

Telemarketer: "Would you like to receive $300 worth of vitamins, supplements, and essential herbal nutrients, absolutely free?"

Me: "How much does it cost?"

Telemarketer: "$4.75 for shipping and handling."

Me: "So it isn't free."

Telemarketer: (ignoring that) "Are you aware that 94% of all adults in this country, are not receiving adequate vitamins and minerals, to satisfy their daily nutritional requirements?"

Me: "Are you aware that, according the National Sewer Workers' Union, 95% of all vitamin pills are excreted undigested and completely unabsorbed, in the same form that they are ingested?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, no."

Me: "Yes! It's a fact. Most supplements sold today, in pill form, are never broken down by the body at all, but rather, pass through the alimentary canal completely intact, and find their way into the nation's sewer systems, where they are eventually eaten by the rats. We have the biggest, healthiest sewer rats in the world, thanks to our over the counter vitamin industry!"

Telemarketer: [pressing gamely on] "So, Scopata Fuori, would you consider your Middleton home to be one that values good health and nutrition?"

Me: "No. We're vegetarians."

Telemarketer: "Is this a single family home, an apartment, a duplex, or how would you describe it?"

Me: "A commune." [Meanwhile the kids are rolling on the floor trying not to laugh too loud.]

Telemarketer: "A commune?"

Me: "Yes, a commune."

Telemarketer: "What's a commune?"

Me: [sounding a bit exasperated now] "A commune is where Communists live."

Telemarketer: "Communists live on communes?"

Me: "Yes, that's why they call them Communists."

Telemarketer: "There's a commune in Montana?"

Me: "There is?"

Telemarketer: "In Middleton?"

Me: "You mean you have never heard of the Middleton Commune?"

Telemarketer: "No..."

Me: "Would you like to join us?"

Telemarketer: ""

Telemarketer: "Do you shave or wax at least once weekly?"

Me: "No."

Telemarketer: "You don't shave?"

Me: "No, none of us here do."

Telemarketer: "What do you mean, you don't shave your legs? Why not?" [sounding horrified]

Me: "Keeps my legs warm in the winter."

Telemarketer: "None of you shave your legs?"

Me: [sounding annoyed] "No, we're hairy-legged lesbians who live on a commune."


I had to give her credit. She lasted longer than most of them do.
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