Metal Yarmulke
Sunday, August 31, 2003

Help a noob.

Anybody out there with Blogger post-traumatic stress experience know how to get the comments working? I'm still learning HTML and I'm not all that confident in my ability to adjust the template.

The prompt ("¿Como?") shows up at the bottom of each post, but when I try to post a test comment, it doesn't show up, and I get this at the top of the comments window:

Warning: mysql_num_rows(): supplied argument is not a valid MySQL result resource in /home/bighar/public_html/blogspeak/blogspeak.php on line 134

I've just emailed BlogSpeak, but I don't expect to get an answer right away on a holiday weekend.


UPDATE: Figured it out with a bit of help from Harry at BlogSpeak. W00t! 
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The PETArds strike again

By now, unless you've been living in a cave, you've heard all about the "liberated minks" of Washington State. If you have been living in a cave, here's a page of linky goodness for ya.

Now, before you read the following quotations from alt.tasteless, be aware that I do not condone prison rape in any form or fashion. Be aware, though, that neither do I condone other forms of sexual assault, murder, the torture of small furry animals, or public defecation...but that's never stopped me from joking about any of 'em.

"Bobbi Hatch" writes in alt.tasteless:

I can almost picture what is going to happen when the first of the limp-wristed lentil brigade is sentenced to the state pen, tossed into a cell, finds out his cellmate looks like a huge Neanderthal and has a matching IQ.

"Whatcha in for, brother?"

"I vandalized a chef's property because he specializes in foie gras. Does this place serve vegetarian entrees?"

A. Lizard helpfully suggests:

obfunny: walking around in a leather jacket made from the skin of an Animal Liberation Front member.

obfunnier: 10,000 minks. 1 cage. All the members of the Animal Liberation Front. 50 webcams. Pay-per-view.

* * * * *
I'll spring for the popcorn, Liz. You bring the 40 white wine. 
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Dealing with Telemarketers, Lesson #46892

Scopata Fuori writes in alt.tasteless:

Settled in for a healthy defecation session, when the phone rang.

I had the cordless within reach, but the caller ID part was on the base unit and was hobbled by my sense of modesty as well as my desire not to introduce a swath of shit into my freshly laundered khakis. So blindly, I answered.

Oh joy, oh what a lucky day for me, I have been selected to receive, absolutely free, $300 worth of free vitamins, assorted herbal concoctions and a complimentary bottle of some kind of lotion, all natural of course, for answering a short survey.

As close to verbatim as I can recall, from ten minutes ago...

Telemarketer: "Do you feel tired, or feel you have less energy than you did five years ago?"

Me: "No."

['re supposed to say "yes" to that question]

Telemarketer: "Do you feel you are receiving optimum nutrition from your daily diet?"

Me: "Yes."

Telemarketer: "Have you ever been on a diet?"

Me: "No." [The lies have just begun.]

Telemarketer: "Would you like to receive $300 worth of vitamins, supplements, and essential herbal nutrients, absolutely free?"

Me: "How much does it cost?"

Telemarketer: "$4.75 for shipping and handling."

Me: "So it isn't free."

Telemarketer: (ignoring that) "Are you aware that 94% of all adults in this country, are not receiving adequate vitamins and minerals, to satisfy their daily nutritional requirements?"

Me: "Are you aware that, according the National Sewer Workers' Union, 95% of all vitamin pills are excreted undigested and completely unabsorbed, in the same form that they are ingested?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, no."

Me: "Yes! It's a fact. Most supplements sold today, in pill form, are never broken down by the body at all, but rather, pass through the alimentary canal completely intact, and find their way into the nation's sewer systems, where they are eventually eaten by the rats. We have the biggest, healthiest sewer rats in the world, thanks to our over the counter vitamin industry!"

Telemarketer: [pressing gamely on] "So, Scopata Fuori, would you consider your Middleton home to be one that values good health and nutrition?"

Me: "No. We're vegetarians."

Telemarketer: "Is this a single family home, an apartment, a duplex, or how would you describe it?"

Me: "A commune." [Meanwhile the kids are rolling on the floor trying not to laugh too loud.]

Telemarketer: "A commune?"

Me: "Yes, a commune."

Telemarketer: "What's a commune?"

Me: [sounding a bit exasperated now] "A commune is where Communists live."

Telemarketer: "Communists live on communes?"

Me: "Yes, that's why they call them Communists."

Telemarketer: "There's a commune in Montana?"

Me: "There is?"

Telemarketer: "In Middleton?"

Me: "You mean you have never heard of the Middleton Commune?"

Telemarketer: "No..."

Me: "Would you like to join us?"

Telemarketer: ""

Telemarketer: "Do you shave or wax at least once weekly?"

Me: "No."

Telemarketer: "You don't shave?"

Me: "No, none of us here do."

Telemarketer: "What do you mean, you don't shave your legs? Why not?" [sounding horrified]

Me: "Keeps my legs warm in the winter."

Telemarketer: "None of you shave your legs?"

Me: [sounding annoyed] "No, we're hairy-legged lesbians who live on a commune."


I had to give her credit. She lasted longer than most of them do.
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Bits & pieces...


* * * * * * *

Another dumbass. Ooooops.

* * * * * * *

Recently seen on the rear window of a car in Michigan, in white:

I put the [picture of "Hello, Kitty"]

in [picture of "Hello, Kitty"]-whupped

* * * * * * *

Mmmmmm, bad meat.

Reminds me of the guy who ran the st00dint cafeteria when I was in college. He was such a cheapskate that after a conscientious worker threw out a container of tuna salad awriggle with maggots, he was said to have retrieved it from the garbage can and mixed it back into the fresh tuna salad. When interrogated by more powerful people about this, he would not use the word "maggots" without the word "alleged" in front of it. That is, they weren't maggots; they were "alleged maggots."

* * * * * * *

Told to me by a friend the other day: "I used the word 'cunt' in a Scrabble game [with his family] once (it was honestly the only play I had; I used my final three letters on it...I spent almost twenty minutes trying to find something else to play. ANYTHING else to play) and [his mother] didn't believe that it was a word until she looked it up in the Scrabble dictionary.

"My sister chuckled, and my father tried to assure her that it was a word (without saying what it meant); but she had never heard of it before and wouldn't accept it until she personally looked it up and knew what it meant."

His mom has recently had to give up the dream of him becoming a priest. He got married this summer. 
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Stank: Now with ADA Protection!

Murfreesboro sets body odor policy for city employees

Posted by: George Metaxas, 8/25/03, 4:44 p.m.

City officials say one smelly employee is responsible for a new policy that requires all city employees to smell nice when reporting for work. The Murfreesboro City Council adopted the good hygiene policy Thursday: "No employee shall have an odor generally offensive to others when reporting to work. An offensive body odor may result from a lack of good hygiene, from an excessive application of a fragrant aftershave or cologne or from other cause."

City attorney Susan McGannon said the problem had never come up in the 11 years she has worked for the city. But one employee, who was not named, has a problem with hygiene despite repeated counseling. "They were stymied," McGannon said. "This (amendment) further details the city's authority." The definition of body odor was left intentionally vague. City Councilman Toby Gilley said the standard would be the same one a U.S. Supreme Court justice used to identify pornography. "We'll know it when we see it," Gilley said. "We'll know it when we smell it."

Murfreesboro is about 30 miles southeast of Nashville.


I saw this story yesterday on MSNBC, I think, being tossed around like a football among a pack of talking heads. Two of them — Gloria Allred, former feminist attorney, now "victims' rights attorney" — and Brian Wice, a criminal defense attorney, were outraged that the Powers That Be would dare pass such a rule.

Allred was a bit less confrontational in her argument, mentioning that B.O. often results from a medical condition and can be impervious to the daily shower, and so therefore a stinky employee might be protected under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

(Of course, gubmint hacks employees usually have top-notch health plans, and bromidrosis — medicalese for stank — can be treated with medication, I've heard. But where's the payoff in that?)

Wice, by contrast, was the archetypal shark in a suit. He encouraged the unnamed employee to sue the shit out of the city, then made your typical Damnyankee snark about how "hopefully, indoor plumbing in MURFREESBORO, TENNESSEE is no longer a luxury."

So if the human Limburger does sue, and win, not only will you have to spend hours at the DMV dealing with surly and semi-literate warm bodies, but you'll have to bring a clothespin along, or perhaps some Vicks to smear on your philtrum.

Incidentally, the friend who was watching MSNBC with me used to work in the hotel industry. Shortly before she moved on to greener pastures, she had a co-worker who was transferred from the "back of the house" (admin) to the "front of the house" (working with guests). She had to say to his supervisor, "You really need to tell him he has to shower every day, wear deodorant every day, and launder his blazer as well as his other clothing after each wear."

Two guesses (ribbit) what country (ribbit) he came from (ribbit). 
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Wednesday, August 27, 2003
  Hi, welcome to my blog. You may have seen me commenting at a variety of weblogs, mostly right of center, particularly Little Green Footballs (hi, Charles!). If you're acquainted with alt.tasteless, you may recognize my handle from there, where I now post under MizDaisyCutter.

I was gonna keep two blogs, one for political commentary, and one for tasteless and cynical humor, writing the former under this nick and the latter under "MizDaisyCutter." Then I thought....nah. I should pay (well, eventually) for two blogs because you can't take both sides of me? Hey, there are a zillion other blogs out there, and you're bound to like at least a few of them.

And, most of all, I'm so goddamned lazy about doing anything I don't get paid for — not to mention that I'm unemployed right now, and I'm going back to school in a week and a half — that you'll be lucky if I post regularly in one blog, let alone two.

So, if you're a socially conservative or mildly P.C. type who knows me from political weblogs, be aware I'll probably write things that offend you. Not just posts that push the envelope on Blogger's limits on "vulgar" comments (I'm sure I'll have my share of TOSsers because of this), but ones in which my political sensibilities clearly fall on the left side of the fence, such as abortion, gays, and drug use. I'll try to stick a warning on such posts, though, so you can skip them.

EX-B/F FROM FIVE YEARS AGO: You're pretty conservative.
ME: But how can I be conservative if I like bathroom humor and sick jokes and all that?
EX-B/F: Well, you're a juvenile conservative.

Just between you and me, I think would be an URL much better served in the hands of a high-school Republican. 
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Something to offend everyone. Flame me at reginleif[at]comcast[dot]net.

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